Water Sports

After we closed up The Smoke tonight Kelly and I lit some cigarettes and had a few drinks. We needed it; it had been a pretty rough night. Russell beat this one drywall worker so bad that the ambulance came, and some other guy took a shit between the pinball machine and the pool table, really close to the outlet.

Even though she's lipstick, Kelly's a total dyke and loves to talk about her sex life with Karen, her partner of five years. Apparently they're really into squirting lately. You know how if you scratch a dog in the right place, its leg shakes uncontrollably? I guess some women can shoot plumes of liquid during orgasm if you work their G-spot in the right way. She was telling me that Karen got her in the eye so hard that she had to wear sunglasses all day Thursday. I've never squirted, but I want to see if I can. I'm probably going to need an easel and a lot of oversized anatomical color printouts if I'm going to convince Beef that it's not urine. Even then he'll probably wear a wetsuit and a welding mask. Who knows, maybe that will heighten the kink. I kind of liked it the time when he hadn't brushed his teeth in a few days and wore a surgical mask so that he wouldn't offend me.

Picnic a la Boeuf

Tips at The Smoke have been really good lately, so I treated Beef to a nice picnic down along the creek. I went to Pullardi's deli and got this big circular sandwich that he's always dreaming over, this big layered cold cut thing with maybe five different sliced meats, green olive spread, provolone cheese, and a layer of roasted peppers. They cut it into wedges like a pizza, and it makes six really good-sized servings. He'd never order it on his own, but I can tell he wants it worse than anything, and that means that if it finally shows up in front of him he'll just break down and enjoy it. Especially if it's sitting next to a big glass of cold white wine. He's been really into white wine lately, ever since he started staying at Ray's. I think he's discovered that some white wines are really sweet and fruity-tasting, and that's a whole big thing with him. Usually after we drink red wine at Ray's Beef complains about how everything tasted like bark and why couldn't we just have had Coronas, etc, but with white wine it's different, and I'm all for him being happy.

To go along with the sandwich I got him some macaroni and potato salads from the grocery store. I don't really like macaroni or potato salads, since they're so full of mayonnaise, but he loves the hell out of them, as he would say, so that was the menu.

"I love me the hell outta some macaroni and/or potato salads," he would say.

I know you're probably waiting for the part of this post where everything went horribly awry and he got an allergic reaction to the sandwich he had always been dreaming of eating, but it actually went really nicely, and the weather was warm and lovely, and the creek smelled like sun-baked foxtails, and no one bothered us, and we just got to sit there and talk and laugh while we had our cold white wine. I stayed over at his place that night and we fell asleep in each others' arms, nice and tired from all the sun and the cold white wine.